Share and Try Not to Care...Too Much

     I'm currently reading a book entitled The Anxiety Toolkit: Strategies for Fine-Tuning Your Mind and Moving Past Your Stuck Points . I probably should've started the summer reading it, but I think I was avoiding what painful truths the book might lead me to discover. That's exactly why I need to read it though, right! This makes me think of a quote in Lena Dunham's book Not That Kind of Girl that reads: "the most terrifying aspect of human health is our refusal to take steps to help ourselves and the fact that we are so often responsible for our own demise through lack of positive action. It makes me want to take a nap." The last blog post I wrote several months ago had such an uplifting tone to it, and I can reread it and recognize that those were my thoughts and words, but right now I feel so disconnected to its message. Ideally, I'd like to see consistent progress over time with my mental/emotional health, so it's definitely disappoi...

    I remember being an extremely impassioned kid. When I loved something, the people around me knew it. I went through a High School Musical phase wherein my bright pink bedspread showcased the title in all caps. Can't forget my  Camp Rock phase either. The soundtrack played on repeat in my room and I performed along with it, singing into my plastic microphone (that I definitely still own). I was infatuated with America's Next Top Model , which led me to writing my own Covergirl commercials and asking for my first pair of heels so I could walk down the living room in them as if I were on a runway. As a child, I was not afraid to get lost in my own fantastical world. I aspired to be a pop star, a real estate agent, a schoolteacher, and maybe even a stay-at-home mom. My dream jobs were endless really, because I was fascinated by all the possibilities. I am no longer fascinated by all the possibilities.       Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a huge ...

I remember reading on Twitter one day this summer, “self-awareness is a superpower.” I’ve been thinking about that a lot ever since. It’s been a very different summer for me being away from home and all of my familiar people, as well as doing theatre in a professional setting. That has made these past few months an ideal time for reflection and reorganization. I’m someone who tends to spend a lot of time alone, and it has helped me immensely in getting to know myself. I thought it'd be cool to share three personal moments from my summer that have reinforced my belief that growth is both a messy and beautiful struggle, but that being aware of it is the most important part.              Part of my internship this summer was understudying a lead role in a comedic play. I have understudied once before, but with this gig, we had a specific ‘Understudy Run’ so I knew I’d eventually be performing the show in its entirety...

Morning is here again, bright and new It intimidates me by always asking, what will you do? The options are endless, but c'mon, it's me Faithful to my protective patterns is what I tend to be The concept of time weighs on me, day after day Will there ever be enough of it, and when I'm running out will I know what to say? I'd like to move forward, go forth with ease But this year is important, so don't let it be over too soon, please I'm rarely present in the moments, they pass me by The more unpleasant ones stay with me which begs the question, why? I wish I'd prioritize gratitude over comparison, but it's tricky I try to shake anxiety and envy, but they're ever-growing within me   If it's up to me to  choose  happiness, to be full Then why do I convince myself it's out of my control?   Right and wrong, everyone has their own opinions I need to place more faith in  myself  when it comes to maki...

I made a list of summer goals for myself, which isn't new for me. However, what is new is the last goal I wrote: "Forgive myself when I fall short of my expectations." I wanted to keep that in mind because I have a tendency to assume that achieving my goals will result in the same happiness and success I see others experiencing. Now as I read that last sentence again I completely understand that it makes zero sense. It doesn't make sense because I'm talking about my  goals, which I'm certain look very different from my peers'. And it's imperative to remind myself that that's not a bad thing.     One of my last blog posts (https://libbycrawford4.blogspot.com/2017/12/may-i-recognize-my-progress.html) focused on how it's easy for me to not acknowledge the progress I've made as it relates to living with an anxiety disorder. Well, guess what? Anxiety rears its ugly head again when I turn to my future. I get that the journey of growth is (and sh...

I wonder... I wonder what it would be like to let my truth flow from my lips and not judge every bit of it as it does I wonder how it'd be different to actually live freely in the moment with my friends and not hate myself for experiencing a new kind of buzz I wonder if I'll one day be able to scroll through my feed late at night and not deem my beauty insufficient compared to the masses I wonder if it'll ever become easier for me to trust my loved ones with my brokenness and not hope that they continue to view me with special glasses I wonder how I would change if I learned to take up space and not convince myself that my light doesn't work that way I wonder what it would feel like to actually want  to hold a guy's hand and not listen to what that self-conscious voice in my head has to say I wonder when I'll learn to embrace the hurt that accompanies being human and not shy away from what disturbs my safe, familiar shell I wonder w...

    I was about 12 years old when I started regularly seeing a therapist to talk about my anxiety. I am now 20 years old, and although eight years offers plenty of time for growth, there are still some days that I feel like 12-year-old Libby who wrote in her journal about being sad even when she was around other people, and how she was overwhelmed by these thoughts inside her head that told her she didn't matter all that much. When I encounter these low moments, I become very frustrated with myself and question if I'll ever be the kind of person I want to be if my anxiety's presence is so strong.     Then I have to breathe (I'm actually really working to do that simple activity more often) and remind myself that I am so not the same person I was eight years ago. I have spent almost a decade since then changing, learning, and approaching my anxiety in a much healthier way than I would've if my parents had never encouraged me to seek professional help (thank you x i...