I made a list of summer goals for myself, which isn't new for me. However, what is new is the last goal I wrote: "Forgive myself when I fall short of my expectations." I wanted to keep that in mind because I have a tendency to assume that achieving my goals will result in the same happiness and success I see others experiencing. Now as I read that last sentence again I completely understand that it makes zero sense. It doesn't make sense because I'm talking about my goals, which I'm certain look very different from my peers'. And it's imperative to remind myself that that's not a bad thing.
One of my last blog posts (https://libbycrawford4.blogspot.com/2017/12/may-i-recognize-my-progress.html) focused on how it's easy for me to not acknowledge the progress I've made as it relates to living with an anxiety disorder. Well, guess what? Anxiety rears its ugly head again when I turn to my future. I get that the journey of growth is (and should be) specific to the individual, yet I still play that awful comparison game. I enjoy social media and how it keeps me connected to my family, friends, and the entertainment industry. However, I'm noticing more and more how I use it to weigh the worth of who I am and what I do. Our perception becomes our reality, and that can be a tough thing to navigate as someone who has her frequent ups and downs with low self-esteem and anxiety.
So this goals list of mine contains practices that I deem worthwhile in an effort to improve my mental health, such as meditation, regular exercise, and limiting my social media intake. I think consistency is key for me in seeing rewarding changes in my self-talk. I have a habit of telling myself stories that aren't true, like I must be falling behind in life if my friends are where they're at currently in regards to their confidence, fitness, social lives, careers, romantic relationships, etc. But am I? If my journey and my growth are my own, then shouldn't I be free to define happiness and success in my own way in my own time? Then this idea that I'm somehow doing life wrong is total bullshit. There is not one "right" way to be—as a college student, as a woman, as a daughter, as a performer, as a writer, as a freaking human being; this I am realizing repeatedly, and sometimes painfully.
I wish I didn't have to make it painful though, and that is the truth—I am the only one who keeps myself from leading a bigger and bolder life. Even with a wonderful support system of people who make me feel loved and like I bring something valuable to this world with my unique presence, I let myself believe that I'm not capable or deserving of this braver, more fulfilling existence I ache to attain. I can't quite pin-point why I remain rooted in my self-inflicted suffering. Is it out of fear? But then I ask myself, what am I afraid of? There's so much more to gain in this scenario than there is to lose. Perhaps I have known small and predictable so well for so long that I presume challenging that is impossible.
But you know what, I have to challenge myself if I'm ever going to reach that light of self-love. I have to take my goals list seriously, because I created it knowing that committing to those tasks will satisfy my authentic soul. I have to continue to encourage my loved ones to search for peace and positivity in their lives, while also encouraging MYSELF in the direction of my desires (however different they may be). I have to recognize that I AM intelligent, talented, creative, humorous, and passionate in my own way, and to share those gifts with pride. I have to know that my inner and outer beauty is REAL, and therefore doesn't diminish due to another woman's beauty or a male's lack of attention to mine. I have to appreciate my singular journey and the struggle that coincides with it, because it HAS made me strong, wise, and unfailingly kind (and by god, I think that matters in today's world more than ever).
I don't dislike myself, but I am someone who could benefit from working toward being happier with who I am at present and the possibilities of where I could be headed in the future. This will require trust in the (sometimes) painful process, which means "forgiving myself when I fall short of my expectations," assuring that those expectations aren't based in my own warped reality. We are only human, so we must be conscious of our great and irreplaceable personal power, but be gentle and generous to ourselves when we face trails in harnessing it.
One of my last blog posts (https://libbycrawford4.blogspot.com/2017/12/may-i-recognize-my-progress.html) focused on how it's easy for me to not acknowledge the progress I've made as it relates to living with an anxiety disorder. Well, guess what? Anxiety rears its ugly head again when I turn to my future. I get that the journey of growth is (and should be) specific to the individual, yet I still play that awful comparison game. I enjoy social media and how it keeps me connected to my family, friends, and the entertainment industry. However, I'm noticing more and more how I use it to weigh the worth of who I am and what I do. Our perception becomes our reality, and that can be a tough thing to navigate as someone who has her frequent ups and downs with low self-esteem and anxiety.
So this goals list of mine contains practices that I deem worthwhile in an effort to improve my mental health, such as meditation, regular exercise, and limiting my social media intake. I think consistency is key for me in seeing rewarding changes in my self-talk. I have a habit of telling myself stories that aren't true, like I must be falling behind in life if my friends are where they're at currently in regards to their confidence, fitness, social lives, careers, romantic relationships, etc. But am I? If my journey and my growth are my own, then shouldn't I be free to define happiness and success in my own way in my own time? Then this idea that I'm somehow doing life wrong is total bullshit. There is not one "right" way to be—as a college student, as a woman, as a daughter, as a performer, as a writer, as a freaking human being; this I am realizing repeatedly, and sometimes painfully.
I wish I didn't have to make it painful though, and that is the truth—I am the only one who keeps myself from leading a bigger and bolder life. Even with a wonderful support system of people who make me feel loved and like I bring something valuable to this world with my unique presence, I let myself believe that I'm not capable or deserving of this braver, more fulfilling existence I ache to attain. I can't quite pin-point why I remain rooted in my self-inflicted suffering. Is it out of fear? But then I ask myself, what am I afraid of? There's so much more to gain in this scenario than there is to lose. Perhaps I have known small and predictable so well for so long that I presume challenging that is impossible.
But you know what, I have to challenge myself if I'm ever going to reach that light of self-love. I have to take my goals list seriously, because I created it knowing that committing to those tasks will satisfy my authentic soul. I have to continue to encourage my loved ones to search for peace and positivity in their lives, while also encouraging MYSELF in the direction of my desires (however different they may be). I have to recognize that I AM intelligent, talented, creative, humorous, and passionate in my own way, and to share those gifts with pride. I have to know that my inner and outer beauty is REAL, and therefore doesn't diminish due to another woman's beauty or a male's lack of attention to mine. I have to appreciate my singular journey and the struggle that coincides with it, because it HAS made me strong, wise, and unfailingly kind (and by god, I think that matters in today's world more than ever).
Comments
Post a Comment