I remember reading on Twitter one day this summer, “self-awareness is a superpower.” I’ve been thinking about that a lot ever since. It’s been a very different summer for me being away from home and all of my familiar people, as well as doing theatre in a professional setting. That has made these past few months an ideal time for reflection and reorganization. I’m someone who tends to spend a lot of time alone, and it has helped me immensely in getting to know myself. I thought it'd be cool to share three personal moments from my summer that have reinforced my belief that growth is both a messy and beautiful struggle, but that being aware of it is the most important part.
Part of my internship this summer was understudying a lead role in a comedic play. I have understudied once before, but with this gig, we had a specific ‘Understudy Run’ so I knew I’d eventually be performing the show in its entirety for the summer company. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a lead role, especially one that’s comedic. My character had a ton of lines, recited Shakespeare, kissed another character multiple times, and had many costume changes. Nothing to ignite my anxiety there! (she says with wide eyes and a fake grin). But you know what, I handled it all. In fact, I did more than just handle it, I acted with focused and passionate energy. I was invested in the month-long process, which meant I had clarity of this character that I had to embody.
I wrote a blog post earlier this summer https://libbycrawford4.blogspot.com/2018/06/oh-so-i-can-cheer-for-myself-too.html. Along the lines of what I discussed in that post, I love acting, but rarely am I confident in saying, “I am skilled, intelligent, and worthy of taking the spotlight.” The reviews I received from my family and fellow actors after the Understudy Run were very complimentary. Normally, I hear praise and second-guess the kindness as mandatory politeness which then cues doubtful dialogue of the voices in my head. This time around though, I listened and actually let it sink in. I am going into my senior year as a Musical Theatre major; that’s three years of acting experience in and out of the classroom. It’s been an enlightening and trying ride, but I have learned so much along the way, and for goodness sake Libby, if that shows then it’s a positive thing!
So I’m really trying to believe people, whomever they may be, when they converse with me about my work. I am a self-conscious person who overthinks many things, but the reason I fell in love with theatre in the first place is because it allowed me to step away from being me. I have to start to trust my instincts, while understanding that there is always going to be room for improvement. I deserve to be a confident actor because those instincts are functioning in tandem with a solid education. If I remain too inside my head to let my light shine, I’m doing myself a disservice in my craft and in my life.
I gained the freshman fifteen in college. I remember adjusting to a new environment was challenging for me emotionally and I coped with it then how I still to this day cope, which is by eating. I swear, this is a vicious cycle I know all too well: Great day? Reward myself with a chocolate bar. Shitty day? Eat a pint of ice cream. Long week full of hard work? I'm gonna stuff my face all weekend. In a social setting? It's only natural that I mindlessly eat whatever's near me till my tummy hurts.
At least now I'm well-acquainted with the signs of my emotional eating, but it's still an ongoing battle of mine. However, I do really like exercise. I make it a priority to be physically active at least four days of the week, which isn't difficult to do at school with my dance classes and consistent campus-walking. My parents were super kind to purchase a gym membership for me for the summer, so I've been utilizing that as often as I'm able. I consider myself a healthy person despite my occasional "meh" eating habits. But I do have several years worth of body image issues that I'm still figuring out how best to manage.
I don't weigh myself. I stopped maybe a year ago because I was worried about a number carrying too much meaning for me. Even when I go to the doctor, I avoid the number and look to the side. This past school year, I had many people approach me saying that I looked really good and they were impressed by how much weight I had lost. I was caught off guard by it every time, because I'm the one who has been occupying this body the whole time, so I'm the one who knows that I haven't done anything drastic to my lifestyle in order to change it. I guess, over time, making conscious efforts to treat one's body well with exercise and healthy foods will actually make a difference. Who knew?!
I certainly appreciate my body for what it allows me to do, but I am guilty of getting caught up in society's expectations for the female body, and I often feel like I don't measure up. I get awful insecure about wearing revealing and/or form-fitting clothing. For one of our company get-togethers this summer we were swimming at a lake and I brought my bikini to challenge that insecurity. I unenthusiastically put it on in the bathroom and noticed a scale next to the bathtub. I decided to step on that scale and was shocked by the number I read; it was about 20 lbs. less than what I was assuming it would be.
Self-awareness is a powerful thing. I knew from looking at myself in mirrors that I've lost weight in the past year, but I had no clue it was that much weight. Now I'm privy to the fact that I'm a terrible judge of my own size. If I've had to fill out my weight on any paper, I've been writing the number I discovered on the scale + 15 lbs. I have zero fashion sense anyway, so I don't realize that I've continued to wear some ill-fitting bras, jeans, and dresses until someone else tells me so.
Perhaps keeping my measurements updated wouldn't be a bad idea, but in a way, I'm proud of myself for this lack of awareness. I think it has honestly stemmed from my lack of interest in letting my weight define me. I slip into that mindset sometimes, but not nearly as much as I used to. In low moments though, I'll trick myself into believing that because I'm not slim or toned enough, I can't have, wear, or be what I desire. Clearly, I still require work in the body image department (probably always will). But I reminded myself that night of how I wore a bikini on a beach last summer and was comfortable in my skin even though I weighed more then than I do now. It's up to me how I view my body, and I want to start viewing it unapologetically, with awe and gratitude.
My favorite place to meditate is at a park by the St. Croix River. I sit on one of three benches facing the water, bathing in sunlight and serenity. One day, I was feeling super trapped in the past and a particular person I associated with it. I kept contemplating our brief history and what we will eventually become to each other. I knew upon meeting this person that time was never going to be on our side, but we chose to not let that keep us from maintaining a connection. I often get frustrated with the Universe when it works in ways that I don't understand, in ways that feel unfair. This was one of those days where I was overwhelmed by that.
While listening to the guided mediation, this phrase resonated with me: "We look forward to future cleaning. As we get our house in order (I am the house haha), we have so much room for so much more." That made me remember a song that a friend had sent me earlier in the week. My friend Victoria is an amazing singer-songwriter and artist (link to her blog: https://thegirlinthegreencoat.blog). I've always related strongly to her music, and she had sent me a track she'd been working on entitled "I Hope You're Doin Well." I decided to listen to it right after my meditation. It's about someone she had grown close to, but with the passing of time their relationship is no longer the same for reasons unbeknownst to the listener. I got to the bridge of the song wherein she sings,
"I hope you're doing well
Cause I know for me, it's been hell
And I hope someday I can tell you that life is beautiful,
and I'm glad that I met you"
and I cried, because Victoria found the words I couldn't form. It was OK to finally let myself cry and be frustrated with the Universe, but in that moment I also decided to thank it for unexpectedly putting that person on my path. I learned valuable lessons and formed pleasant memories with someone I now consider a good friend. Life is about moving forward and if I'm gong to do that, there has to be a a shift of perspective from "I'm sad that I can't be what I was to this person anymore" to "I'm hopeful that we'll think fondly of one another, and that something else, different and special in its own way, still awaits me in the future." Mediation and music are quite a healing combination. Also, Victoria is brilliant and I love her.
We create our stories with moments like these. Our day to day emotions and experiences all add up and it's a wonder to behold where we are and then unearth the why's and how's behind it. I'm interested to see my story continue as I head into my last year of school. <3
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