Tell Me About the Good

Last weekend, I said goodbye to another really enjoyable theatre experience. I was a part of the cast for the show I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change. It's a musical that explores the trials and triumphs a myriad of characters face when it comes to dating and mating. I vaguely knew of this show before auditioning, but for the most part, it was all new to me. There was rich humor evident in both song and dialogue, which excited me since I'm not someone who takes herself very seriously, especially when it comes to the complex world of dating 😬. It was a gift to tackle material that had me laughing often, and delighting in all the ridiculousness the theatrical creative process can offer. Oddly, even with all that comedy present, I did find myself latching onto the moving moments of the writing. Working on this show encouraged me to reminisce on matters of both the mind and heart . In this post, I lay out some discoveries, as well as input from others who I asked to contribute in a small, but significant way. 💛
    I am currently single, and wouldn't even really say that I'm dating, but that didn't mean I couldn't relate to the kind of situations my characters encountered. It can be extremely hard and awkward to find another person out there that you click with on multiple levels. If there's a secret to not overthinking it all, I have yet to unearth it. I sometimes associate dating with this anxious urge to disguise my true nature in an effort to remain appealing in the eyes of another. This, of course, turns what is supposed to be a fun attempt at connecting with someone into a kind of dreadful and frustrating chore.
    It makes sense to want to begin with a clean slate when being introduced to a potential mate. However, our histories have certainly influenced our present, so the motivation to sugar coat our preconceived inadequacies isn't necessarily helpful 😅. The more dates I've been on, the more I understand how vulnerability should be welcome, and it's often a good tool to keep conversation afloat. I'm also someone who is quite willing to be upfront about my shortcomings in my writing and on social media, so not bringing that same Libby into a public atmosphere feels too fake.
     I recently listened to an episode from Krista Tippett's podcast On Being*, and her guest, Alain de Botton was discussing the kind of effort & consciousness required by us mere mortals to make love actually last. Concerning the early stages of a relationship, he offered,

   But if you say to people, "Look, love is a painful, poignant, touching attempt by two flawed individuals to try and meet each other's needs in situations of gross uncertainty and ignorance about who they are and who the other person is, but we're going to do our best," that's a much more generous starting point.

I kept rereading that and nodding to myself, YES! What Botton touched on there also makes me think of my favorite exchange in the musical. An elderly man and woman meet at a funeral, and he is rather forward about his interest in courting her. She's put off by him at first, and then he manages to make her laugh. At the end of their song, she utters "I...I just don't know", to which he responds, "You think I do?" That moment is so simple, yet powerful to me.
    I saw it all throughout high school, and in numerous television series—when we're young we seek out relationships with such naivete and giddiness at the forefront. As we age and endure life experiences that change us and shape our perspectives, we're more likely to become picky and build those protective walls. But that needn't keep us from recognizing the endearing quality of someone who's willing to get on their tip toes and peek over that wall to say, "hey, I am not here to disturb your peace, but to acknowledge your story and raise you my own, and then maybe you'll realize that we're all pretty damn messy and scared." Love and bravery are so closely intertwined.
    Please don't mistake this for me recommending letting loneliness be the driving force of a romantic endeavor. I completely understand how mighty that want can be (especially after graduating😐), but I've seen friends go down that path, and it always seems to produce more conflict than comfort. I think there's a distinct difference between a willingness to let someone in because you're aware of the strengths and weaknesses you bring to the table, and are interested in finding someone to compliment your journey. But I've observed that there can also be an eagerness to fit someone else into your world as a seemingly healthy distraction that actually stems from a lack of self-acceptance. Maybe I will when I'm married or co-parenting, but I don't believe in someone being my better half or completing me. I would like to regard myself as whole and capable on my own.

    I have known romantic love twice in my life thus far, and only once was it reciprocated. I learned a lot about myself by being with those men, such as what I'm attracted to, what I really appreciate in a partner, and for sure, how I can be better at communicating and interacting with someone I have strong feelings toward. However, I did not go into those relationships lightly. I'm a very loving person, but I am an independent introvert who really values her solitude. Intimacy, which I don't consider a synonym for sex, is awfully intimidating to me. I definitely realized with my first boyfriend though, that it can be worth it. He possessed this gentle and uplifting presence, and I was myself when I was with him, in a way that felt freeing & revitalizing. I have so many positives to take away from that relationship, and so many ways to thank that guy for treating me with a kind of thoughtfulness I hadn't previously encountered.

    Being in this show definitely had me rifling through memories upon memories of my very small list of past "lovers", if you will. I shouldn't avoid pointing out that plenty of painful and confusing sensations are in the mix of those memories as well. A song about love that I am astonished by every time I listen to is "Rollercoasters" by Tank and the Bangas. There's a line in it that reads, "It's the things you grab and hold onto for a while." That song presents love in this euphoric and transformative light, which I don't think we're exposed to as much when it comes to artistic expression. I mean, how many ballads and movies can you recite that focus on heartbreak, jealousy, and bitterness? Another song that seems appropriate to mention here is the Florence + the Machine track  "No Choir." At the very beginning she sings, "And it's hard to write about being happy, because the older I get, I find that happiness is an extremely uneventful subject." We are a culture that raves about cultivating happiness, but it's impossible to remain in such a state. Our wide experience of emotions includes ruminating on hurt and regret, and I don't know about you, but I'm sure as hell good at that.😂. I guess it just goes to show that pain has its lessons to teach, perhaps as much as joy does.
    Although, the optimist in me would like to think most people can readily access the pleasant memories they associate with someone. So, I took that curiosity a step further and asked various folks to finish the sentence, "I remember_____" as it relates to someone they are or have been romantically involved with. Here are their responses:

•  I remember being in love, but not feeling loved. However, reminiscing about a future with this person often.

• I remember one Sunday afternoon in late July when my boyfriend threw me a pair of swim trunks and told me he wanted to show me something special. That afternoon, we went to a small creek near the edge of town where we skipped rocks, swam, and laughed the day away.

• I remember sitting in the middle of a park with you, and, for the first time in my life, I didn't care who was watching. 

• I remember talking about life, and laughing until we fell asleep. 

• I remember sitting in the car with you on our first date. You played this song I had never heard before, and when it hit its climax during the bridge, I got chills. It wasn't just the song though; I knew then and there that you were unlike any guy I'd met before, and it was extraordinary to feel a beginning that promising.

• I remember when we laid back and looked at the stars, and for the first time in a while for me, everything seemed to be exactly as it should be. Our hearts felt to be just as aligned as the stars.

• I remember the first time I stayed over at his place. The morning was peaceful and quiet; the sun was shining on his face and his eyes were so clear and blue. When I got ready to leave, he lit some palo santo and wafted the smoke around me, and I felt so grounded and calm, like he'd blessed me with this grounding peaceful energy. I felt loved, even though it was long before we said that aloud.

• I remember when it all changed; when she kissed me like she loved me.

• I remember the simple things the most; the little daily things that enforced that sense of belonging. Having someone to take up items on your to do list, remember your favorite snacks or food orders, and kiss you on the forehead before a big night.

• I remember sparks surging through my body filling me with bliss, as the feeling of dread closely followed.

• I remember with all that beauty around me, I couldn't keep my eyes off him; he's my brightest star.

•  I remember when we were talking on the porch swing that night. He asked if he could kiss me, and no one had really done that before.

• I remember the first 2 or 3 months that we had been dating, always thinking, "why is this so easy, all the movies and books make it sound heart-wrenching and difficult." It got harder over time, but also easier in new ways, and it still feels like something I could do for the rest of my life!

• I remember us staying up till 6am one night, sharing our deep thoughts and our silliest stories. I didn't need the sleep anyway; their presence kept me awake for weeks.

• I remember being on a hike with him, and getting caught in the middle of a rain storm, and I was laughing at how wet we were getting, and this boy looked at me wide eyed for a bit and finally just simply stated, "You are so gorgeous." I had been rigorously practicing self love for the last year, and it was the first time I ever believed that I was, in fact, gorgeous.

• I remember the pleasure of seeing my partner smile.

    I hope you as a reader could examine that list and relate in any way to the incomparable excitement, vividness, and nostalgia that often accompanies falling for another person. And maybe you couldn't, which is also OK. Love is universal, but we definitely don't all love in the same language, or encounter it on the same timeline. What exists as special and meaningful for you is valid, so don't let any kind of societal pressures influence how or when you engage your heart. As for me, I still feel so young, and sincerely don't see myself settling down with someone anytime soon; I have a lot more to learn before I'll feel confident in that. I believe that our individual purposes on this planet are much larger than seeking out someone to build a future with anyway.
    Just remember that your time is precious, and if/when you do commit to someone, there are bound to be mistakes and misunderstandings. But if you consistently commit to treating them with the respect and consideration they deserve, and not settling for anything less in return, you might be lucky enough to get a taste of what JoJo's character in the movie Aquamarine had us all (I can only assume 😜) tearing up about—"love is the closest thing we have to magic." 💖

 

*Link to podcast mentioned above— https://onbeing.org/programs/alain-de-botton-the-true-hard-work-of-love-and-relationships-aug2018/