I am 19 years old and have never been in a serious relationship. I don't see this as a problem to be solved or a mystery to be uncovered, but just as a unique and occasionally bothersome fact about myself. More than anything though, being single has created a weird perspective in which I see the world of dating and romance. Let's explain, shall we?
I really don't even know where it begins—love and/or affection. I've never been the girl who has a bunch of guy friends, and even the ones I do have, any deeper feelings were never reciprocated. I know you're supposed to look for similar interests and activities, so it makes sense for me to find someone in the theatre department, right? Unfortunately, the theatre department is rather small and the guys are either taken, don't play for my team, or there's really not an attraction there. I'm surrounded by the same male species 90% of the time in my major classes. I also don't talk to anyone in my Gen Eds unless I have to because the content is boring and I don't particularly enjoy being there. So yeah, options are limited. They're not limited if one has a thriving social life, but lol we're talking about me here.
I'm so weary about online dating, which at a college level is mostly Tinder; no thank you! I also don't see the point of seeking out suitors at parties, where alcohol is involved and the guy may not even remember my name the next day or find me way less cute once sober and in broad daylight. That's the other difficult thing to gauge—what are people really looking for anyway?
I ask myself that question all the time, because as someone who has always been single, it's really hard to imagine not being single. I'm certainly not looking for marriage material, but I also don't want to waste time with anything that's not real or doesn't help me grow as a person. I don't want random hookups, but I also don't understand how a couple lifestyle works. I make to-do lists every day; if I get a boyfriend does that mean he has to be aware of my to-do lists? I'm terrible at constant communication. I never argue with anyone, but apparently fighting is healthy on some level in a relationship. I'll refuse to work out with him because he will no longer desire me once he sees me covered in sweat. I can't share a dessert, I just can't. I'll probably think less of him if he doesn't like The Office or any of my indie pop music.
All the random stuff aside, I really just don't understand being that close to someone. Yes, I am close to my family and friends, but I have never had a relationship that is so special it qualifies as something different...and the idea of that is scary. I don't want to let someone in enough for them to see how messy I am. I of course mean emotionally, I'm organized af otherwise. Intimacy, and I don't mean sex, I mean allowing someone to spend enough time with me that they become aware of my quirks, my fears, my daily routines, my likes and dislikes, my past, and all the other overwhelming shit that encompasses my being...is such a strange concept for me to wrap my head around.
I am not used to male attention or affection. Simple things like holding hands, cuddling, any form of PDA, being taken out on a date, getting picked up or dropped off in his car, being brought food after a rehearsal, or being introduced to his family—all of that is foreign territory, and I hate to say that at 19 years old. I only hate to say it though, because society has told me I should already be past that stage in my life by now. I should have danced with my high school sweetheart at prom. I should have broken up with said sweetheart because a long distance relationship in college just wasn't going to work. I should have fallen for the guy who was completely wrong for me, but it felt so right anyway. Etc, etc, etc. It's frustrating, I'm not going to lie. I'm honestly worried that as intuitive and mature as I believe myself to be, I won't know how to navigate my relationships when they come and therefore I'll always be ten steps behind the couples that are successfully building a life together. I could also be making this whole ordeal more complicated than it needs to be and perhaps love will blossom simply and painlessly for me. I'm just choosing to be less optimistic. I have a lot of friends who have a significant other and I question how it was so easy for them to find that person amongst all the fish in the sea and why the fates and timing don't seem to be on my side.
Then I ask myself if I'm the problem. Am I too picky? Am I too prudish? What qualities do I lack that all the other girls who guys actually want to be with have? Why is the thought of saying, 'hey, I think you're attractive, would you like to get to know each other more?' so daunting?! I spend so much time inside my head with the anxiety that tells me I have no business being someone's anything for all the various reasons that shouldn't ring truthful, but do. It's like I don't expect myself to be seen in any other light than "Oh Libby, yeah, she's nice."
However, being single all this time has taught me that there is a lot more to me than that. I really am grateful that I am not the girl who has always needed a guy for company, for comfort, for validation, for worth. I've endured my ups and my downs all on my own and I think that has made me stronger and more self-aware than I realized. My heart is a cautious one, but it always has a lot to say, so thank you for reading and considering that love and relationships take on various meanings depending on who you are and where you come from.
I really don't even know where it begins—love and/or affection. I've never been the girl who has a bunch of guy friends, and even the ones I do have, any deeper feelings were never reciprocated. I know you're supposed to look for similar interests and activities, so it makes sense for me to find someone in the theatre department, right? Unfortunately, the theatre department is rather small and the guys are either taken, don't play for my team, or there's really not an attraction there. I'm surrounded by the same male species 90% of the time in my major classes. I also don't talk to anyone in my Gen Eds unless I have to because the content is boring and I don't particularly enjoy being there. So yeah, options are limited. They're not limited if one has a thriving social life, but lol we're talking about me here.
I'm so weary about online dating, which at a college level is mostly Tinder; no thank you! I also don't see the point of seeking out suitors at parties, where alcohol is involved and the guy may not even remember my name the next day or find me way less cute once sober and in broad daylight. That's the other difficult thing to gauge—what are people really looking for anyway?
I ask myself that question all the time, because as someone who has always been single, it's really hard to imagine not being single. I'm certainly not looking for marriage material, but I also don't want to waste time with anything that's not real or doesn't help me grow as a person. I don't want random hookups, but I also don't understand how a couple lifestyle works. I make to-do lists every day; if I get a boyfriend does that mean he has to be aware of my to-do lists? I'm terrible at constant communication. I never argue with anyone, but apparently fighting is healthy on some level in a relationship. I'll refuse to work out with him because he will no longer desire me once he sees me covered in sweat. I can't share a dessert, I just can't. I'll probably think less of him if he doesn't like The Office or any of my indie pop music.
Then I ask myself if I'm the problem. Am I too picky? Am I too prudish? What qualities do I lack that all the other girls who guys actually want to be with have? Why is the thought of saying, 'hey, I think you're attractive, would you like to get to know each other more?' so daunting?! I spend so much time inside my head with the anxiety that tells me I have no business being someone's anything for all the various reasons that shouldn't ring truthful, but do. It's like I don't expect myself to be seen in any other light than "Oh Libby, yeah, she's nice."
However, being single all this time has taught me that there is a lot more to me than that. I really am grateful that I am not the girl who has always needed a guy for company, for comfort, for validation, for worth. I've endured my ups and my downs all on my own and I think that has made me stronger and more self-aware than I realized. My heart is a cautious one, but it always has a lot to say, so thank you for reading and considering that love and relationships take on various meanings depending on who you are and where you come from.
Libby, this post is beautiful. So well said. ❤️
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