I always thought time would slow down after I graduated, and that I'd be sulking in boredom over the glacial speed my days occurred at. Boy, was I wrong😳. It has been nine months since I left school, and saying that makes me queasy. On the one hand, I am proud to say that in those nine months I have still found ways to participate in the world and seek out my passions. However, there's so much that feels up in the air about who I am and where I'm headed. I guess nearly a year seemed like enough time for me to get this adulthood shit together.
Enough. Oof, can't tell you how many times I agonize over that word. We live in a society that has developed this hustle mentality, and if one isn't utilizing the majority of their time toward their personal and professional goals, they ought to be doused in guilt. Unsurprisingly, I did leave college believing that my self-worth was tied to my productivity; nine months, and I'm still struggling to throw that belief out the window.
I spend a lot of time alone, especially having moved to a college town wherein I don't attend the university or am closely acquainted with many people who do. It has been a drastic change to my former academic environment, and a bit of an unwelcome trial. I thought a natural descriptor for this transitional period of my life would be "quiet," but that hasn't been the case.
This kind of loneliness is loud, like my mind rarely knows how to shut off or offer peaceful messages of safety and ease. I am often battling the voices in my head that can't agree on how I am handling or appearing in the present, which at times can be both embarrassing and exhausting. And for the life of me, I haven't been able to write about it! If you took a look at my journal over the past couple of months, you'd see this narrative repeated throughout: "I don't know what I'm doing. I wish I believed in myself more. All of my peers are doing a hell of a lot better than I am." Writing positively and searching for my genuine identity amidst all the conflicting internal noise, has been somewhat of an overwhelming feat.
As I mentioned, the concept of "enough" has weighed on me ever since I can remember, but recently I asked myself what is reverberating the most right now? I narrowed it down to five specific characteristics:
1. I am not motivated enough
2. I am not grateful enough
3. I am not healthy enough
4. I am not successful enough
5. I am not brave enough
I see these as faults, areas I am falling short. I know my therapist would ask me to view these as lies, stories made up about me by my anxiety and depression. I think that's a wildly interesting and aggravating thing about self-awareness; I can recognize negative thought patterns and behaviors lickety split, but implementing counter intuitive methods in an effort to better myself long-term feels like a cyclical hell I haven't discovered how to finally climb out of.
I could go into detail about those five hang-ups, but that would make this already long post the length of a short story😅. For all the questions I don't have answers to, I do know that this loneliness is not something I need to detest, fix, or run in the opposite direction from. It is simply new territory, and with it comes the opportunity to dissect the way I feel about myself, and probably, more importantly, challenge it.
All of these characteristics I don't see myself measuring up to are so very subjective, and deep down I know this. I intentionally search for art, entertainment, and conversation that speaks to that truth, but I am realizing that consuming it, is not the same as embodying it. I haven't mastered how to let go of comparison and honor my own unique versions of these enticing attributes we all seem to strive for. Although, there is something to be said for trying, and I often dismiss the effort if the end result doesn't meet my own critical expectations.
I get out of bed every morning before 10am, and is that not motivation? I jot down in a journal a highlight of each day. Is that not gratitude? I track my physical activity and make it to the gym four times a week. Is that not healthy? I graduated college Summa Cum Laude with a beloved circle of friends and a greater sense of self. Is that not success? I share the happenings of my head and heart, vulnerably and frequently. Is that not bravery? Examining my progress and consistency against someone else's serves me in little to no way, and this is also why the clearest love/hate relationship in my life is with social media.
Yes, there is absolutely room for more—to grow and improve the Libby that exists now. But that forward momentum will stall pretty damn quickly if I lack the acknowledgment and appreciation for all that I currently am. There are days where that doesn't feel like much, but I don't have to let those be my defining days. There's a crazy amount of life I don't have control over, and that can be an excruciating fact. But I am learning how much power exists in the way I see myself and speak of my future, however hazy I perceive it to be right now.
Uncertainty does not and should not equate to shame, and even when I ache to be a masterpiece, there is a stronger and smarter part of me that intends to commit herself to being a lifelong work in progress instead. That feels more honest, fulfilling, and hopefully, more relatable. Bring on the pain, bring on the change. There is both a fire and resilience in me I have yet to uncover. Let it take as long as it takes, and I will do my damnedest to not apologize for it.
Enough. Oof, can't tell you how many times I agonize over that word. We live in a society that has developed this hustle mentality, and if one isn't utilizing the majority of their time toward their personal and professional goals, they ought to be doused in guilt. Unsurprisingly, I did leave college believing that my self-worth was tied to my productivity; nine months, and I'm still struggling to throw that belief out the window.
I spend a lot of time alone, especially having moved to a college town wherein I don't attend the university or am closely acquainted with many people who do. It has been a drastic change to my former academic environment, and a bit of an unwelcome trial. I thought a natural descriptor for this transitional period of my life would be "quiet," but that hasn't been the case.
This kind of loneliness is loud, like my mind rarely knows how to shut off or offer peaceful messages of safety and ease. I am often battling the voices in my head that can't agree on how I am handling or appearing in the present, which at times can be both embarrassing and exhausting. And for the life of me, I haven't been able to write about it! If you took a look at my journal over the past couple of months, you'd see this narrative repeated throughout: "I don't know what I'm doing. I wish I believed in myself more. All of my peers are doing a hell of a lot better than I am." Writing positively and searching for my genuine identity amidst all the conflicting internal noise, has been somewhat of an overwhelming feat.
As I mentioned, the concept of "enough" has weighed on me ever since I can remember, but recently I asked myself what is reverberating the most right now? I narrowed it down to five specific characteristics:
1. I am not motivated enough
2. I am not grateful enough
3. I am not healthy enough
4. I am not successful enough
5. I am not brave enough
I see these as faults, areas I am falling short. I know my therapist would ask me to view these as lies, stories made up about me by my anxiety and depression. I think that's a wildly interesting and aggravating thing about self-awareness; I can recognize negative thought patterns and behaviors lickety split, but implementing counter intuitive methods in an effort to better myself long-term feels like a cyclical hell I haven't discovered how to finally climb out of.
I could go into detail about those five hang-ups, but that would make this already long post the length of a short story😅. For all the questions I don't have answers to, I do know that this loneliness is not something I need to detest, fix, or run in the opposite direction from. It is simply new territory, and with it comes the opportunity to dissect the way I feel about myself, and probably, more importantly, challenge it.
All of these characteristics I don't see myself measuring up to are so very subjective, and deep down I know this. I intentionally search for art, entertainment, and conversation that speaks to that truth, but I am realizing that consuming it, is not the same as embodying it. I haven't mastered how to let go of comparison and honor my own unique versions of these enticing attributes we all seem to strive for. Although, there is something to be said for trying, and I often dismiss the effort if the end result doesn't meet my own critical expectations.
I get out of bed every morning before 10am, and is that not motivation? I jot down in a journal a highlight of each day. Is that not gratitude? I track my physical activity and make it to the gym four times a week. Is that not healthy? I graduated college Summa Cum Laude with a beloved circle of friends and a greater sense of self. Is that not success? I share the happenings of my head and heart, vulnerably and frequently. Is that not bravery? Examining my progress and consistency against someone else's serves me in little to no way, and this is also why the clearest love/hate relationship in my life is with social media.
Yes, there is absolutely room for more—to grow and improve the Libby that exists now. But that forward momentum will stall pretty damn quickly if I lack the acknowledgment and appreciation for all that I currently am. There are days where that doesn't feel like much, but I don't have to let those be my defining days. There's a crazy amount of life I don't have control over, and that can be an excruciating fact. But I am learning how much power exists in the way I see myself and speak of my future, however hazy I perceive it to be right now.
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