What Has and What Could

I don’t know about you, but I get sucked into the world of comparison far more often than I’d like to admit. Growing up, I fantasized about beauty and popularity, assuming those who had that were living more meaningful, exciting lives. Now, at 22, I can tell you that makeup overwhelms me, I wear pajamas more than anything else, and I truly understand that friendship is about quality rather than quantity.

As we develop our personalities and grow along our unique paths, we sort of naturally decide what matters to us and what doesn’t. Sometimes I get insecure about the fact that I’d rather stay in than go out drinking, or that there's no amount of money you could offer me to go skydiving. Theoretically, I should worry about getting old, but I really can’t wait to sit on my front porch in a rocking chair eating as much dessert as I damn well please🙌. We’re not all supposed to be interested in the same things; that’s what makes life and relationships so rich. Even though I wish I was more of a thrill-seeker, I can’t force my true nature into anything dishonest. I can certainly challenge it, which has become my overarching objective with anxiety. I do notice that my passions are mainly limited to the creative realm, and I find myself fascinated by how monumental simplicity can be, but I want to get out of the habit of using those facts as reasoning to label myself "boring." Our individual stories matter, and of course we’re often influenced by each other’s past adventures and present projects. However, the key component I’m always seeking is inspiration. If envy or pride is the driving force of my creativity and/or life goals, the farther away I put myself from personal fulfillment.

 When crafting this blog post, I didn’t set out to make any kind of bucket list, but to merely envision what could lie ahead that’d stir some enthusiasm in me. The first time I made a bucket list was in middle school. It wasn’t a great list, largely due to how warped my ideals were by outside influences at that age. I was simply too young then to properly evaluate what I aspired to do and be in the future. Although, who knows, maybe ten years from now I’ll be saying the same thing. That original bucket list contained things like: ride a roller coaster, stay awake for a whole 24 hours, eat mushroom on a pizza. You know, wild stuff like that😱.

 So, to begin with the updated version, I first found it useful to revisit experiences from my past that had a lasting impact on me. It's actually quite difficult for me to map out how I can make my journey joyous and intuitive since I’m closely acquainted with worry and overthinking. This ended up being a helpful lesson for me in taking stock of my own lingering insecurities and troubling perspectives, then confronting them with a dash of optimism.

What follows are two lists, one containing memories of various events/moments that I value, and the other showcasing my hopes for whatever time I have left. Some items on the second list feel very achievable, and others more out of reach. But that’s OK—I’m shooting for possibility here, not predictability😉. I do agree with the thought that we shape our world by the way we interact with it. For me, it's absolutely imperative that I remember it's not a competition—I can own what I love and what I've learned, while recognizing that there’s always room for more. And I just might surprise myself along the way!

Have Done (some several times)

1.     Stayed single until it felt like my life could be complimented by someone who lit me up in a significant way

2.     Spent most of any vacation money I had on good food

3.     Listened to Bon Iver while watching a beautiful sunset

4.     Attended a live music concert

5.     Tried therapy

6.     Took up guided meditation

7.     Became obsessed with an actor who inspired me and watched several long interviews of them discussing their history and career 

8.     Stayed up very late reading a really good book

9.     Ate McDonald’s breakfast after a night of too much to drink

10.  Went to a movie in a theatre by myself

11.  Gave up a social networking app that didn’t really benefit me in any way

12.  Became close friends with people who have good taste in music

13.  Told someone I loved them even when I wasn’t sure it’d be reciprocated

14.  Made a mistake that compromised my beliefs about the kind of person I thought I was and found a way to reconcile with & learn from the mess-up

15.  Engaged in an activity that I was interested in, even, and perhaps especially, when it scared and intimidated me

16.  Found myself in an uncomfortable situation and kept my sense of humor through it 

If someone asked me to show them a picture that I think captures my personality well, it'd be this one. Content with her music, books, and dark under eye circles. 😌

Still Want to Do

1.     Travel out of the country (therefore being forced to fly in an airplane) with my sister

2.     Go skinny dipping

3.     Dance with pure abandon in public (alone or with friends)

4.     Go to several different restaurants throughout the day just to eat off the dessert menu

5.     Befriend a senior citizen

6.     Spend an extended amount of time in Seattle, WA

7.     See a musical on Broadway

8.     Be a member of an indie pop/rock band that writes its own music
9. Go on a shopping spree with someone who can educate me about my wardrobe and fashion for my body type

10.  Write a book

11.  Get to a place where my self-confidence can’t be significantly shattered by rejection, comparison, and/or “failure”

12.  Join a volunteer group that has a mission of generosity, inclusion, and social justice

13.  Take a few months to visit with and interview various people about their perspectives/personal experiences on topics I’m curious about

14.  Work on the set of a television series as some instrumental part of the process

15.  Become a mother

16.  Find ways to be a meaningful and dependable part of both my family & close friends’ lives as we grow older and more complex