We have in the BFA program a weekly meeting of sorts called "seminar." It's where we present the songs we've been working on in voice lessons to our peers. We're encouraged to offer constructive feedback and after one song my lovely friend Pauline made a comment saying, "I think you can be scared in more than one way." It was a simple suggestion of perspective, but considering it has stuck with me for a couple of months now, Pauline's words contained an important weight.
Fear has never been simple to me, as someone who has dealt with anxiety since as long as she can remember. My fear wouldn't let me sleep, be away from my mom, flip off a diving board, or make many friends. Then it refused to let me make mistakes, to make my own choices, or to accept what made me different. I'm 19 now, but fear still unfortunately plays a huge part in my life. It doesn't allow me to perform to the best of my abilities, to live my truth, or to recognize my worth. Fear SUCKS.
It exposes us to the realities we don't always want to uncover. Like Pauline said, being scared means many different things. I was scared of going to graduation parties and being reminded that my high school days are long gone. I'm also scared of any close family member dying. I'm scared that my college friends won't miss me as much as I miss them this summer. I'm also scared that I'll get into the habit of settling. I'm scared that I'm not smart enough to remain an Honors student. I'm also scared that I'm too much of a mess for any guy to ever love me and want to share a life with me. It's the big and little stuff that's scary. The stuff we don't like to talk or think too much about, because fixating on it is almost crippling.
But for some of us, it's so prominent and familiar, that pushing it away, learning to let go of that worry and insecurity, seems impossible. Except I know it's not, because my family and friends are living examples of people who persevere despite their fear.
Take Pauline who I mentioned in the first paragraph; she has told me multiple times about being nervous and I even witnessed her at lunch one day upset over all the expectations set for her that she was afraid of not fulfilling. Funny thing is, never once have I thought Pauline was negatively affected by her fear. She remains in my eyes (as well as plenty of others'), someone who can do it all.
My dad is in his first year of a new job, and while he is completely qualified and deserving, it presents challenges for him that take their toll. My mom called me one night and said he was very stressed and lacking sleep. My father interviewed eight times for this position before it was finally offered to him. So while it can be overwhelming, I know he will trudge on through the bad days because he never let his fear stop him before.
Fear takes on a very different form and presence depending on who you are. It's a human emotion and humans react to it in various emotional ways. What I'm afraid of probably doesn't make sense to some people, just like I don't understand how anyone can be afraid of concerts. Concerts are freakin' awesome!
I react to my strongest fears by diminishing my own light. I create a comfortable composed bubble for myself that not only closes me off from opportunity, but also keeps others from experiencing all that I have to offer. The strange part is, I'm aware of what I'm doing, but I don't change it. That's the frustrating aspect of fear; how I can see others holding themselves back and how I can yell at characters in books and tv shows to just "go for it and live life, damn it!" However, I choose to reside contently in my bubble, terrified of the moments that threaten to pop it.
I just continue to ask myself why. Why do I stand in the background? Why doesn't she care enough? Why does he put himself through unnecessary struggle? Why is she afraid to be alone? Why can't we take the risks and be honest and do more than our hearts and minds believe we can? Why are we so deceived and debilitated by fear?
I don't have any magical solution, but I do know that life is too short to dwell in the depths of fear and anxiety. So it's about time we (especially I) start pairing action to our angst and tell fear that even though we recognize its existence in us, it does not control us.
Fear has never been simple to me, as someone who has dealt with anxiety since as long as she can remember. My fear wouldn't let me sleep, be away from my mom, flip off a diving board, or make many friends. Then it refused to let me make mistakes, to make my own choices, or to accept what made me different. I'm 19 now, but fear still unfortunately plays a huge part in my life. It doesn't allow me to perform to the best of my abilities, to live my truth, or to recognize my worth. Fear SUCKS.
It exposes us to the realities we don't always want to uncover. Like Pauline said, being scared means many different things. I was scared of going to graduation parties and being reminded that my high school days are long gone. I'm also scared of any close family member dying. I'm scared that my college friends won't miss me as much as I miss them this summer. I'm also scared that I'll get into the habit of settling. I'm scared that I'm not smart enough to remain an Honors student. I'm also scared that I'm too much of a mess for any guy to ever love me and want to share a life with me. It's the big and little stuff that's scary. The stuff we don't like to talk or think too much about, because fixating on it is almost crippling.
Take Pauline who I mentioned in the first paragraph; she has told me multiple times about being nervous and I even witnessed her at lunch one day upset over all the expectations set for her that she was afraid of not fulfilling. Funny thing is, never once have I thought Pauline was negatively affected by her fear. She remains in my eyes (as well as plenty of others'), someone who can do it all.
My dad is in his first year of a new job, and while he is completely qualified and deserving, it presents challenges for him that take their toll. My mom called me one night and said he was very stressed and lacking sleep. My father interviewed eight times for this position before it was finally offered to him. So while it can be overwhelming, I know he will trudge on through the bad days because he never let his fear stop him before.
Fear takes on a very different form and presence depending on who you are. It's a human emotion and humans react to it in various emotional ways. What I'm afraid of probably doesn't make sense to some people, just like I don't understand how anyone can be afraid of concerts. Concerts are freakin' awesome!
I react to my strongest fears by diminishing my own light. I create a comfortable composed bubble for myself that not only closes me off from opportunity, but also keeps others from experiencing all that I have to offer. The strange part is, I'm aware of what I'm doing, but I don't change it. That's the frustrating aspect of fear; how I can see others holding themselves back and how I can yell at characters in books and tv shows to just "go for it and live life, damn it!" However, I choose to reside contently in my bubble, terrified of the moments that threaten to pop it.
Well said, Libby. Well said. ❤️
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