I Wish. I Know.

    First of all, if you caught that the title are lyrics from Into the Woods, we should be friends immediately. My favorite people are those who are never afraid to be themselves. It's so rare nowadays to find someone who doesn't conform, give into peer pressure, or alter their personality when with certain people. That's such a sad thing to me, because I know I do it, and if I notice pretty easily how other people's behavior changes, I'm sure they notice how mine does too.
    I assume the habit comes from a place of insecurity. We put masks on and hide our real identity so as not to feel embarrassed or ashamed when we discover we don't fit in. I can very well admit that I have a strong desire for people to like me, which means I try not to step on any toes, share unpopular opinions, or make myself stand out in any way, shape, or form. Then I realize that that's not an honest representation of myself, but I still do it, because I'm a huge people pleaser; one of the things I'd love to change about myself. Here are some more: 

• I wish I that I liked exercise more than I like chocolate, ice cream, cake, cookies, brownies, bread, etc.
• I wish that I didn't feel awkward and nervous in almost every social situation
• I wish I didn't compare myself to all the other girls I deem smarter, funnier, prettier, thinner, and more talented than me
• I wish I liked nature and being outdoors
• I wish I had a genuine interest in politics, government, the economy, and history
• I wish I spent less time in my room alone with my thoughts and more time with family & friends
• I wish I knew how to be trendy when it comes to my hair, makeup, and clothing (I still wear a pair of four-year-old sneakers to the gym)
• I wish I wasn't so cautious and skeptical of what most teenagers consider a "good time"
• I wish I didn't let other people's view of me dictate how I view myself
• I wish I could live up to the good girl reputation people like to give me (I curse quite a bit and fantasize about making out with guys more than most people would believe)
• I wish I would practice what I preach (self-love, not judging others without knowing them, being happy while single, not caring what other people think)

    Trust me, this list could go on, but you probably get the point. There are aspects of my personality that I'm not fond of, but they're things I've discovered throughout my experiences in life, so I'd say they're pretty deep-rooted. Sometimes it puts me in a vulnerable position to look at that list and wonder how I can fix myself. I'm not sure I need fixing as much as a wake-up call that I'm not a lesser individual just because I can't do or be what society often praises. What's important for me is to search for the environments I feel comfortable and accepted in. I need to find people who can relate to and understand my wish list to be different, but prefer me the way I am because they like the authentic Libby. I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but that's ok. There are plenty of my attributes I would happily trade, but if they make me who I am, I'm not going to beat myself up over them. 

    However, I do believe there's a difference between wanting to be someone else out of social pressure and wanting to be an individual with a set purpose to try and better their life. Here are the ways I intend to do that:

Problem #1: I spend too much time with electronics.
Solution #1: When I get bored I'll head for my piano, my notebook , or do some singing, Those are my passions and they deserve my time and effort. 

Problem #2: I overthink basically everything
Solution #2: I will let life unfold, because the only thing I can control is how I react to whatever situation arises.

Problem #3: I don't reach out enough to my friends and let them know I care about them and am interested in their well being.
Solution #3: I will check up on my friends at least once every two weeks via texting, calling, FB messaging, etc.

Problem #4: I am too attached to my phone.
Solution #4: I will not have my phone during meals. I will stay off my phone when with friends, because I enjoy being in their company and they deserve my full attention. I will read or write before bed rather than checking every social network until I get tired.

Problem #5: I'm uncomfortable with my body.
Solution #5: I will spend more time naked (in the privacy of my own home of course). Not so I can point out my every flaw, but to be able to say "Hey, this is my body and no it's not perfect, but it helps me do a lot of stuff, so there's no use in hating it since we'll be together for some time."

Problem #6: I rely too heavily on a daily routine.
Solution #6: I will adhere to my to-do lists, but not let them stop me form having fun or being spontaneous.

     For anyone else who deals with similar self-esteem issues, just know that your imperfections have made you special and unique. Please make sure that when you make choices to change, you're doing it for positive, healthy, and wise reasons. All that matters is that you can be proud of the skin you're in. There's nothing admirable or worthwhile about putting up a front to distract from the beautiful being you are...JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.